Sunday, December 30, 2012

And another one bites the dust...

....Another year done. Another 365 days of experience under our belt, hopefully anyway. Hopefully, you find something in each day to carry with you making you better in some way; more aware, more savvy, more trusting, more loving, and more open. 2012 was very good to me indeed, as mentioned in my last post. Overall,I continued to ride the wave of magic afforded to me by my Eat, Pray, Love trip last year. The hearts that first appeared in Amsterdam, setting up the path that ended up leading me to 'Brighton' have continued to follow me and I in turn continue to trust their path.
    I already did a fairly good year summary in my Amockalypse post. Yet even in this last week I've received a few powerful reminders to take into the new year thus increasing my learning curve for 2013.

1) a two-parter....Facing the hardest tests in life:
  • A) The patience to wait for the right moment to act
    • which if you're me, said patience was absolutely excruciating, and came after multiple energetic temperature readings AND after watching Love Actually...Ugh! Could I be any more of a cliche? I think not.
  • B) The courage to accept whatever we encounter.
    • in regards to my personal experience, once I'd put myself and my heart 1000% on the line, I have no choice but to accept whatever comes back.....
  • 3) This reminded me of the ever appropriate Serenity Prayer:
    • "Gawd, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can.....and the wisdom to know the difference!"
2) Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes....
  • ...ESPECIALLY when it shakes! When you have discovered and/or energetically felt the right moment to act, speak the truth. Or more to the point, speak YOUR truth however that looks: voice shaking or palms and pits sweating as you type. Also, don't over analyze and censor yourself too much. (Or once again in my case, censor yourself at all! Good Gawd!) Whether right or wrong, I spoke my truth leaving no chance for doubt, leaving nothing unsaid. Gulp. Whether it produces the result you want or not, the freedom you feel from being that honest not only to yourself but to whomever you're speaking is immense...and priceless. Honoring yourself truly is one of, if not the greatest gift you can give yourself as well as though closest to you.
3) "....Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly....
and forgive quickly"
  • As many of you know, I have the "laugh insanely" part down... my unmistakable and unapologetic guffaw is something I've come to love about myself. Someone told me once, it sounds like it comes up from my toes... *sigh and smile. Tis true.
  • I loved truly this year. I also hurt deeply. I forgave even quicker. Happily ever after or not, I gave myself over completely to someone and am a better person for it. If you have not been sideswiped by love, I would ask, "What are you waiting for?" If you have, I would advise you to first investigate the crime scene, pad your pockets with the necessary evidence for future reference and then "Step off the curb again!"

   In the last few months, I've caught a lot of shit from my friend Manchester about wearing my heart on my sleeve and feeling too much. I used to view this as a real weakness and abhored any symptoms of such a disease, especially in myself. I've since realized 'LOVE' in all its forms is a disease I'd happily die from, and I've worked very hard to become someone who can carry the load of a heart bigger than her 5'10, 150lb frame.

Happy New Year everyone!
Please take the time to review your 2012;
Release what no longer serves you,
Hold tight to the things that do.
Say NO to Fear, say YES to Love!
And remember....
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets
and nothing worth having comes easy!


Sunday, December 16, 2012


      I almost forgot until I was catching up on my Hulu queue and watching this week's episode of Glee that the world is set to end in exactly 5 days. How could I possibly overlook such a seriously supposed and alleged event?! Obviously because I do not believe it and therefore have given it no energy. 
It got me to thinking though, of course. What if it were true? Maybe I should've been stockpiling emergency survival supplies all along. I mean, I just went to the grocery for the first time in weeks, and I still only got veggies to juice and a few salmon fillets for a week. Zoe and I would be screwed! Although, when you say to me that the world is actually going to end then I translate that to mean that it is actually going to cease to exist. Like the earth is going to completely implode or just expel us all with a kind of cataclysmic sneeze and start all over again, alone.... I gotta say I wouldn't blame it. Soooo then why would I be hoarding?  ....What if we'd been given this 'X months to live prognosis' and we'd all just blown it off? 
How did I feel about my life thus far... was I happy? Did I have regrets? What would I have done differently? Did I leave too much undone, unsaid, unfinished? ...yada, yada, yada.

     While I would prefer not to have to work 40 hours a week in an office but rather just get paid to be fabulous and brilliant and create art all day, I am appreciated and respected at my job and it affords me to be able to live any kind of creative life at all. And sure I wish I didn't have to check my bank balance before every purchase, but I can easily say, I am proud of my life. I am proud of the woman I am at 32. In the last 2 years, I have learned to stand in and live out my truth. That is not always comfortable for the people around me, but I do it nonetheless knowing honoring myself will do them far less harm than it would me if I didn't.
As I know I've mentioned several times, going on my Eat, Pray, Love trip last year brought me to the place where I could say, "I am the woman I always wanted to be when I grew up." Since then, I've only received more opportunities to live up to that and then break the ceiling and go further. Now I look at myself and my life and think, "Now, I am becoming a woman I never knew I wanted to be or even dreamed I could be." 
This year alone saw me kicking ass and taking the names in the trenches of Corporate America, busting my Coachella hymen and loving every minute of it, celebrating my second sweet 16th birthday here at home over the course of a couple weeks with the greatest friends anyone could ask for, spending 3 weeks in Holland, Belgium, Germany and Scotland, performing at the world's largest Fringe Festival, falling head over heels in love with a British bloke and consequently negotiating the maze of heartbreak, longing, defeat and hope, being promoted to Assistant Director of Zion Dance Company, choreographing/writing/directing my own pieces, applying yet again for the Amy Lowell fellowship, entering the world of Vlogging, and finding out ZDC would be returning to the UK in May for the Brighton Fringe Festival where MY work will premiere! 
      In addition to being proud of my life, I am in love with all the love in it. It astounds me daily thus humbling me and at times making me feel quite guilty. I can't imagine that I could possibly deserve all the love bestowed upon me constantly, and yet there it is...constantly. 
So yes, if my life were to end in the next 5 days I would be quite content with its story. 
     I realize I sound all sunshine and roses, puppy dogs and rainbows, but even with those things I could have done differently they would have changed everything else can I really say I regret them?  In the interest of honesty though, there are times I wish I'd:

  • pursued dance all the way along and not taken those 8 years off
  • finished college and gotten some kind of B.S (pun intended), 
  • not stayed so long in a relationship I knew was damaging to me, 
  • not stayed long enough in others.... 
and I wish I'd jumped a flight to fight for something in which I believe so strongly. That is probably my biggest and only regret I am ashamed to confess...but the wisdom of age and life experience has taught me when to check my impulses.
Overall though I'm still totally winning if I do say so.

    I invite you all to an Amockalypse, a time to take an inventory of your life... because we are at the end of the calendar year...whether its the Mayan one or not remains to be seen ;-) Even if the world doesn't end and there isn't a Zombie Apocalypse I do believe its probable we are entering a significant new age. Not for nothing, but 12/12/12 was the last time we would see 3 numbers align like that, at least in our lifetime....not to mention the power behind the new moon that was on the 13th as well as the upcoming full moon on the 28th. (If you're curious, look up either your horoscope via Susan Miller: or read about them on Mystic Mamma:

     Hopefully you look upon your inventory with a smile or at least see more items in the 'winning' column. Hopefully you have been pushing the envelope of living and loving, and have little to no unfinished business. If you don't, then what can you do in the next 5 or 16 days? Maybe you confess your true feelings for someone, maybe you apologize, maybe you say goodbye, maybe you do jump on a plane, pick up the phone, write someone an email, or maybe it's a letter to yourself forgiving yourself for anything you're not proud of. What is it about the holidays that makes it easier to tell the truth than any other time in the year? I am reminded of the movie Love, Actually in that respect. Maybe you create a new plan for writing the next chapter in your life. I know for me, my quote-unquote 5 year plan just got bumped up to a 1-2 year plan...part and parcel why I've been so hunkered down and hibernating at home recently. I will resurface eventually everyone , I promise. :-)

    You will not be surprised then to hear that I will be spending next Friday evening, the doomed 21st, celebrating the Winter Solstice and my own personal Amockalypse with a fire and corresponding ceremony at Dockweiler....given that Zoe and I have not been catapulted to Mars, burnt to a crisp or buried under the rubble of my apartment. 

I wish you all Gawd-speed and Good Luck over the next week..... and the happiest of Holidays!! 

(The End's Not Near; Band of Horses)



Monday, December 3, 2012

Soul Mates?... Yay or Nay

      When I wake up, I usually lay in bed for 10-20 minutes recalling any dreams, checking email, texts, and yes, my Facebook Newsfeed. I check the FB feed because more often than not one of my favorite pages (Paulo Coelho, Steven Farmer, Elizabeth Gilbert, etc) has posted something profound to start my day with a smile.
This morning my inspiration came from one Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love = my bible), of course!
Actually, the quote itself is from ‘Richard from Texas’, whom she meets while at the ashram in India. I went in search of the full quote later because I remembering agreeing and disagreeing with parts of it. But let’s start here with what was posted this morning;

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

By this definition alone, I realized I have had the privilege of several soul mates so far in this life…. and so have you… that is if you’ve been paying attention ;-) 

And now, the rest of Richard’s opinion;

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life….”

    And NOW, my two cents. I think first and foremost your life is graced with several soul mates, like I said if you are paying attention. Everyone around you, you have attracted into your life for different reasons. (I even believe we choose the families we are born into, but that’s a whole other conversation.) Their one common denominator though is that they are each holding up a mirror for you…. “to bring you to your own attention” if you choose to look. Every day and every person is a chance to go inward and make a change. 

    Sometimes the process is gentle and loving and they stick with you for life, other times it is hurricane violent and fleeting like Richard suggests. And quite often it is not equal or at the same time… sometimes YOU are the one serving as someone’s soul mate: lovingly holding the mirror  or tearing through their heart and life like a banshee. It is not all about us. It is just as important to recognize when it is our turn to ‘up-level’ someone as it is to allow ourselves to be up-leveled. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by a small, core group of soul mates where we are holding a mirror in one hand while holding hands with the other. Here is where capitalization is key, because these people are Soul Mates, and my heart grows bigger each day because of them.

     So now you may be wondering what my stance is on the idea of a REAL soul mate. A SOUL MATE, if you will. It seems like by assigning the title to so many in my life that I am down-playing it’s connotation. Like I said, capitalization is key. :-)
     Do I believe that you can be happy with many people? Yes. So then do I believe there everyone actually does have a SOUL MATE? …. Yes. But whether we end up with them in this life is less certain…. again, another conversation for another day. I believe the Universe does a lot for us, but if we never leave the house it will never put said person on our doorstep. If you live a life in fear; afraid of taking chances, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being alone, afraid of all the innumerable ‘What if’s’ then how can you possibly expect love and magic to find you. Even if you know something is not going to work out or last ‘forever’ you are shooting yourself in the foot from not enjoying the ride while it lasts… You gotta go for broke.… this from the mouth of a Wild Card
Living this way makes you a WHOLE person. You become complete within yourself…. You fall in love with yourself, and you damn well should because I don’t believe that anyone COMPLETES you… that’s all on YOU mon frere! But I do think everyone has this extra puzzle piece that fits just one person. Hmmm, how better to explain this??? …. OK! So, let’s say we’re each a puzzle of the U.S map. The mainland is complete, so then Hawaii is your SOUL MATE piece (since Alaska is attached to Canada and I’m already kinda reaching here, hahaha) It’s a bonus state :-)  … 
Let me say it again, you are complete without it... it is a BONUS state......and it is a bit like paradise… I mean have you ever been to Hawaii?? It doesn't suck! Of course it's still not perfect, but it is perfect for you.  You speak the same language. Alot of people can learn your language, but only one other person actually speaks it too.
(I think I have officially seen too many Rom-Coms and watched Pride & Prejudice waaaay too many times) 

Look, the wisest man admits he knows nothing, and I’ll be the first one to say I don’t know jackshit about anything… 
but I do have opinions ;-) 
And that concludes my lesson on "soul mates", kids.


Monday, November 12, 2012

A (fill in the blank)___ shaped hole....

       Long time, no blog eh? Well, I've recently been super busy and of course it's just been a pretty intense month overall to say the very very very.... very least. This was quite possibly the longest month of my entire life. It fuckin' felt like it anyway. Given that we're only 12 days into November I'm obviously referring to the month marker of the breakup and subsequent breakdown... break-waaaaaay-down. {And yes, I realize I need to stop going on and on about this, and I will ... but this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to, haha! Seriously, I'm only harping on it again as it is segwaying into my main point....promise!}

       If we go by the logic that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them, then I should be a month and 4 days in the free and clear. Alas, I am not. There is nothing free and/or clear about this whole situation except possibly the fact that ANY kind of logic does not apply here.... not only does it not apply, it does not belong. There is no place for logic in BIG love.... dare I say it ... true love.
One of my favorite quotes is from Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw, "I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous… inconvenient… consuming.. “can’t live without each other” love."
If you have ever experienced this, then you know the mere notion of logic makes absolutely no sense. You don't even recognize the word on the page as English, it's that foreign of a concept.  Because I am a walking contradiction in many respects, another of my favorite quotes on the topic of amore is from Khalil Gibran, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you...."  Sooooo then, I AM SOMEONE who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous...inconvenient...consuming..."don't WANT to live without each other ...but CAN if need be" love.

       Even after recently getting beat to shit; sucker punched, kicked and slapped emotionally by a friend who was trying to drown this memory by giving me some seriously harsh realities and informing me he didn't "buy this whole Brighton thing/couldn't take it seriously", that I was better than all this upset.... The illogical part of all this is that I still know that I did find that Real Love. It was (still is) ridiculous, definitely inconvenient, and all consuming. And I don't want to be without it (him)... But I am....

     So having NOT jumped the next flight over there and fighting for something I believe in with every fibre of my being seems to contradict everything I just said about logic and love.... but actually to go would have been selfish and instead I'm doing my best to find a way to be okay with the Brighton shaped hole inside....because I believe the love was (is) true and I want to honor it and try to prove to the Universe I can live without it when it's appropriate even though I desperately don't want to.....
and mayhaps it will take pity on me and reward such effort ;-)

Does that make ANY sense or am I just 50 shades of fucked up?! Ha! .... The thing is, I'm not...
some truths just cannot be explained. Love cannot be explained.


       How does one find a way to be okay with whatever shaped hole they may have? Gratitude.... More specifically the gratitude that comes from embarking on a 21 Day Guided Meditation Challenge on Creating Abundance. Thank you Deepak Chopra! (and Karen for sending me the email!):
What other answer would you expect from your resident hippie?!!! ....
except maybe Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll... 

"Cause I want whiskey when I'm sick
And a man when I'm well
But it's nice to have them both sometimes
When I feel like raising hell

So don't try and save me
I'll be just fine

I'm getting used to walking on a thin line"
---Thin Line by honeyhoney =  A FUCKIN GREAT BAND!

but I digress,

      I'm not sure how many of you are watching episodes of my vlog (, but I made mention in the second to last one that I was doing said challenge. I just completed the first week on Sunday, and I gotta say thus far ... IT. IS. AWESOME. I had no expectations for anything. I really just liked the idea of having the motivation and challenge of creating time for myself to meditate again. Noooo, not in the same way as that gawd-awful and brilliantly hilarious Vipassana retreat in Kathmandu from last year. Click this link to read the post, 'Rebel, Rebel' after my escape:
I do like taking 15-20 min to either silently focus on or actively chant a mantra. I prefer the chanting actually, because I like feeling the vibration of my voice and helps me quiet my mind almost immediately. My overachieving first intention was to also then journal each day about that day's centering affirmation and try and uncover whatever hang-ups I may have  in regards to that..... buuuut that has yet to happen. It's worked out just fine thus far to focus 100% while doing the meditation, taking the information in..... and then almost completely letting it go. That is not to say I forget what I heard. I just pick it up and put it down instead of turning it over, under, sideways down to analyze it.
And the reason I say it's worked out just fine is because so far the kind of abundance that has been created this week includes:
  • (Love) My 13 yr old nephew calling me every day to check in and shoot the shit. The unconditional patience and love of my friends, especially the ones that make cross country trips for me :-)
  • (Monetary) Receiving a letter that a credit card of mine owes me $$$ from like 5 years ago...Holla! A universal checks and balances also came into play when $10 got stolen from my car one morning.
  • (Opportunity) It's looking like the dance company... (the newly minted Zion Dance Company...having previously been 'Daughter of....')  is going to get to perform internationally again next year and it's my lil ol' mug on the promo poster :-) .... More details to come on all that later
  • (Creativity) A new collage is in the works AND the fact that my first ever creation for ZDC will premier at one of the biggest festivals in the world!!
    • Career wise, my abundance is overflowing!.... suddenly... or rather 8 years after the fact....after I decided to quit my job and pursue a life of dance, theater, and general artist merry-making the pieces are all finally falling into place.

      I think the best way to deal with a void is not to try and ignore it, cover it, or fill it up ...LOOK at it, FEEL it but also FOCUS on everything surrounding it. Focus on the brightly burning planets and shooting stars around that black hole..... the equally stunning mesas, trees, and birds above the canyon.
And that is all I have to say about that.
My musical recommendation of the week is
Alex Clare's album--The Latest of the Hour. You won't know how to feel about it the first time you hear it....
but it's super sexy and delicious!
Love, Hugs, and other 'Drugs'

Sunday, October 28, 2012


CCBella that is.... BOOM! I'm on YouTube ya'll.... as of tonight!!! Whaaa whaaaat!

I went back over the first 4 episodes today and after re-filming the 3rd one for the 3rd time (I explain why) I made them all public. Yikesabee! There is a 5th one dedicated to my niece but I'm saving that for Halloween, muuahahaha :-)

I have to say that I really am in awe and incredibly grateful to Manchester for
A) pushing me to do this
2) lending me all the equipment
C) sending me all kinds of trouble-shooting links
4) being such a supportive and objectively critical pair of eyes after each upload...

     I still have no idea why he took such an interest in seeing me follow through on this. I mean, yes of course, we're friends but anyone else would've probably just offered the suggestion but then let it go after my first round of hemming and hawing and expertly crafted stalling techniques and excuses.... not to mention the second round. Instead, he more or less hounded me about it constantly at work and outside of work and then like I said, during my Brighton Breakdown Zombie Apocalypse week from hell he got REALLY persistent and I finally gave in. I gave in 2 more times and by the third video, I was hooked. Gawd, I really am an ego-maniac! hahahaha ego-maniac and a performance whore. *Sigh of acceptance*

      Seriously though, I'm not sure why I am enjoying this so much. I guess because a part of it reminds me of being in therapy... that safe space where you completely have the floor to just ramble and work shit out. I'm not saying I don't have that space with my friends, I do, but at some point it's obnoxious to go on and on about yourself. (I'm sorry if I do that too much!)I also find myself offering a fair amount of advice to people in my life, not unsolicited mind you....(or at least I hope I'm not that preachy asshole.) Let's just say that one of my best girls calls me Dr. Trowman.
I guess I don't know. I need to look at it more closely as to why and how this is feeding me. All I know is that it is. It's fun and healing at the same time. I pray to gawd though that I make at least one other person (OTHER than my mother) smile and look at their own life. I hope I'm saying things that will resonate with people, whether it's my poetry or my humble life experiences.
I have no idea how long I will keep at this, but the bottom line is that it is serving me now, and so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Manchester!

    I am still finding my way with the whole thing. I was at least gifted with the brilliant tag line of "Life, Love and Literature" --- thanks again T, you fuckin nailed it! Because so far those three things are the through thread of all my videos.... I ramble, hopefully charmingly, throw out some pearls of wisdom and then put you to sleep with my poetry. Oh yea, I'm totally going viral with this shit! -- hahaha! In order to comfort my more methodical and planning side, I would like to settle on more of a true format. I can't seem to adhere to a particular length of time. The first one was 10 1/2 min, the second 7, the third one is 30... and trust me that is the length it is meant to be because I filmed that bastard 3 times and each time it was somewhere between 22-30 min, and the 4th and 5th one are 20 something as well. I also don't want to just go on and on about my own stuff.... I'd like to see if I can get people to contribute topic ideas, poem ideas, art ideas or even situations in which they'd like some advice. I asked my 11 yr old niece if she wanted or needed any advice, and so like I said my 5th video addresses those very issues. Maybe I'll move more into my art for a couple, talk more about my first ever experience creating work for the dance company, my favorite books, and/or a music whore's insider guide to seriously good tunes...?

Watch them and let me know what ya'll think... honesty and inspiration is always welcome here :-)
If you click on the green link at the top it will take you to 'Episode 1 ... WTF am I doing?' or just search YouTube for CCBella Says...
Love, Hugs, and other 'drugs'

Monday, October 22, 2012

Here a Blog, there a Vlog, everywhere a Blah Blah Blah

    Let’s just get it out of the way. Most of you have checked in with me ‘Post Brighton’ to take the temperature of my mental and emotional state, and I thank you all for that.... like Kevin (Top 5 all time favorite dudes and my tattoo artist) sending me a text just saying, "Is it tattoo time?"
Damn skippy it is! Bring on the blood and pain... make my outside match my inside. hahaha
I wish I could say that the two weeks has made anything about the experience less palpable… that one or both of us has successfully severed our psychic/energetic connection … that I realized I just caught up in something sweet but fleeting and insignificant, that I absolutely have not developed some kind of heartache induced anxiety that has me off the caffeine and on the Kava, that I don't listen to the same playlist on Spotify over and over and over again and am convinced that Ben Howard psychically wrote his album 'Every Kingdom' in anticipation of this very situation. I cannot say any of those things. But it feels superfluous and detrimental, not to mention infinitely boring to all of you, to write in each and every blog about the psychology of heartbreak and longing while I heal. Soooo instead I’m going to VLOG about it. Hahahahaha… just kidding…. well kind of....

    A vlog is as one would assume, a video blog… and I’m about to air mine in the next couple weeks or so.  I have created a YouTube channel called CCBella Says...
WTF right?! Okay, so let me explain how this all came to be. My friend and co-worker, (who I am now going to refer to from here on out as Manchester because that's where he's from and that seems to be how I identify those who don't want to be named) offered me this challenge to create a vlog as an avenue to get my poetry and art ‘out there.’ He gave me all the equipment and told me to play around and video at least ONE ‘episode.’  I kept stalling and putting it off because the thought of actually being on camera felt too revealing.... which is odd because as we all know I'm a total performance whore. The company (my day-job) was out of town the week of the Brighton Breakdown, THANK GAWD, but Manchester still checked in with me from the road seeing if I’d filmed anything yet. I briefly alluded to my non- functioning status complete with an aversion to showers and food (my own personal zombie apocalypse – not a pretty sight) to which he just said, ‘USE the pain dude!’ That Saturday I finally pulled a brush through my hair, changed out of my Buckeyes sweatshirt, slapped on some mascara and a smile….and hit record.  Having no idea of what I was doing or what I wanted to say I proceeded to ramble for 10 and a half minutes, the last 30 seconds devoted to reading the poem I had just written about ... well… I'll give ya one guess ;-)
The best part? I didn't completely abhor the sight and sound of myself - score!
Feeling quite proud of myself, I sent Manchester the link. He gave me a 10/10 for content (shweet!) but has serious issues with the production quality; i.e lighting, lack of HD, sound, etc. But look, it's practically a miracle I even found the energy and hootspah to pull off those 10 minutes... and in these early days if it's not as easy as clicking the record button then I'm Audi 5000. Soooo keep that in mind as you all begin to watch. The technolgy and production will improve, but in the meantime focus on the content.... For example, in the second one I'm a little less cheerful which leads to me arguing with the Rune reading I gave myself, and yelling at Zoe for jumping on the table - good times!

I still haven't found my rhythm with it all yet... or rather the format... I'm still just basically rambling and being honest and self deprecating and hilarious.... sooooo yes I'm just being myself. I've still only shared it with 3 people. I've gotten some awesome feedback and support. ODB made a comment that I was sharing some pretty personal stuff and asked if I really wanted to put that out there publicly. My first thought was 'DUDE, you read this blog-- that's kinda my thang.'
Valid point though coming from such a thoughtful mind, and I thought about it and kept coming back to 'YES!' Maybe I shouldn't be so okay with it, but that's something else entirely. My frame of mind these days is very 'Go big or go home....muthafuckaaaaas!' Seriously though, splaying myself open in my blog has not only been very therapeutic  and expansive for me but it's also been therapeutic for a couple of my readers at various times.
I won't refer to anyone by name in the vlog, so rest assured. I will come up with nicknames for everyone. I am not looking to replace The Rover with CCBella Says at all.... the art of writing is too important to me. They will just complement one another. I look at it as not only a way to get my writing more in the public eye, but also as a way to hone my craft as a performer/public speaker especially as I want to move more into the theatre realm. I can hear Chelle now,
' YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!' She's all about me moving more into true theater performance and acting, etc.

So on that note, I'm signing off here to go film my third episode...or rather third webisode of the my newest castrophe in creativity. Gooooo me!
After I sent Manchester the first link he said 'Great, now make 3 more.' I think I'm going to wait to make them public till I have 4 or 5. Stay tuned!!

P.S .... and seriously, if you don't know Ben Howard listen to the songs; Only Love, Gracious, Black Flies, and Keep Your Head Up and try and tell me they WEREN'T  written for me right now..... and while you're at it, check out The National - England..... OR if you're on Spotify, make it easier on yourself and just listen to the playlist 'Brighton'......  I mean, HELLOOOOO?!?!?!? ;-)

Love, hugs and other drugs

Friday, October 12, 2012

Head Up & Heart Strong

Clarity is a gift… and a bitch…. but mostly a gift.

Without going into it too much, I feel I must confess to the fact that things have ended with the Brit. If there are any "I told you so's" out there itching to be spoken, please keep them to yourself.
The reason I feel it important to address this is because this blog is devoted to honesty and all my roving adventures, in life and in love….. because in the end they are one in the same.
The ending of this particular chapter made it not only into my all time Top Five most painful experiences, it actually earned a spot in the Top Three.  I became unstitched in a way no one has ever seen me, not my mother or closest friends. That’s okay though because when I think about the other Top 2, I realize that the most beautiful gifts came out of them.  And to clarify, it was only the ending that’s been excruciating… and I mean crawl out of my skin excruciating. These past 2 months with him have been some of the best of my life, even at the inconvenient 5000+ mi distance. It was 1000% worth it. So I suppose the more accurate and honoring statement is that this whole whirlwind has made it into my all time Top Three most amazing experiences.
And actually, rather than say anything has ever ‘ended’ it feels more appropriate to say they have been put on a shelf for now because we never know what the future holds, and who might walk back in at some point.  I’m not saying that I am counting on that or holding out for it at all, but I intend to ALWAYS stay open to the great Unknown…. to changed minds, to new stories, edited stories or those to be continued….

I pulled a Rune yesterday, Perth, which along with the most honest and loving albeit tragic follow up email I received information enough to step out of my paralysis and move forward.

Perth talks to us about the unknowable in life. Although usually a prod to action, Perth can be telling you that your situation is far different than what you perceive it to be because there is much going on outside of your range of vision or knowing! Perth speaks of secrets and the unknown, of hidden forces and unseen activities. Perth appears to tell you that there are things going on beyond your control so it best to set things aside for now. Perth isn’t saying that you should give up, just set that particular issue for aside for the now and let life take it’s course. Action will come, but wait till you have available input.
      On the material plane Perth is about surprises, gains, or unexpected rewards. Just because it’s ‘unknown’ doesn’t mean it isn’t good!
Perth can be showing you where you have laid the proper foundation and are now in the position of being able to reap the benefits and rewards of your endeavors. When Perth shows in your spread, you can be sure that there is a mystery involved. Mysteries can be good (ever heard of Agatha Christy?) or they can sneak up and bite us in the butt when we least expect it.
       On the inner plane, when Perth arrives she invites your spirit to soar to a new degree of wholeness and acceptance. That invitation is an invitation to soar on the wings of a mighty eagle – the bird most aligned with nobility of spirit. This rune is also associated with the phoenix, that mystic bird that is burned in fire and then emerges from its own ashes. Powerful forces of change and renewal are in movement. Through the lessons Perth teaches she provides you with opportunities to soar. “Chance favors the prepared mind.” Allow your inner self to capitalize on the chance to fly by being prepared to capitalize on opportunities that come your way.
(Comes in handy to already have a phoenix tattooed on your 
back when it happens to be your power animal of the moment.
 I am light years ahead of even myself ;-) )

I have no idea though what this chance encounter will 
afford either one of us from here on, and how this piece fits 
into the big picture puzzle. I am still sad and disappointed
of course, but I can embrace it all with love and let it be.
 Mayhaps, I was to pave the way for someone far more 
magnificent to light his life. 
I've been known to have that effect...
What I DO know is this:
  • ·    The Universe orchestrated the loss of his wallet to 
             specifically bring us together.
  • ·      I have never met a man (any person) like him in my life.
  • ·      No one has ever seen me so clearly so quickly.
  • ·      He ‘speaks my language’.
  • ·      From Day 1, I have never experienced such a visceral 
   energetic connection with someone. Not a day has gone
   by when I couldn’t actually physically feel him and 
   his emotions.
  • ·      I have never fallen harder or faster in love. 
           I did not merely just get caught up in something. 
           This was legit.  
  • ·      He has raised the bar….
  • ·      I must be on the right track with all the work 
   I’m doing on myself to have drawn him in. Go me!

I was surrounded by such love and support this week that it 
created a kind of pillow fort making it ok for me to 
fucking fall apart while at the same time bolstering me back up
on my feet.  Thank you Mom, Nicole, Rochelle, Adam, Wendy,
Tim, and ODB. 
love love love love love love love love love love love love love 
love love love you!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd bless the new moon that is coming on the 15th!

'Head up and heart strong',  says Ben Howard.   
(Such a great concert by the way! 
Thank you again Greg & Bree!!!!!) 

 ** Please listen to this song, especially if you receive
my blog via email and it doesn't show up.

Till next time..... 


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Just Breathe

     If any of you had even a smidge of doubt that my full moon fever last weekend was not an expertly played chess move at the hands of the Universe and my spirit guides, that it was mere coincidence I got sick and had to come home, I almost hate to admit that I take delicious pride in proving you wrong. I did say almost ;-)  One of my intentions was to place in the photography contest I recently entered. And mayhaps I should have been  more specific and asked to win because I DID in fact place and was a silver medal finalist.

BOOM! Thank you Universe for pushing me out of my own way, and giving me no other choice than to completely let go of my most potent intentions and strongest desires, trusting them in the hands of others CLEARLY more capable than I.
:-) Thank you again so so so so so so so so much Rochelle and DeLise for rocking that fire! It not only has already gifted me, but also those I love that contributed.
I trust again in your stewardship as I sealed the envelope today on the submission packet for my writing fellowship. *gulp* ... I imagined ya'll reading my poems aloud giving them power and life, and had to laugh at myself because as I mentioned last post, I never would have allowed that.... again, quite plainly I needed to be hogtied and dragged out of my own way.
This is a time in my life where my trust issues are really being tested, on many levels in many situations. Trust is no doubt my main lesson in this life; trust in others, trust in the universe, and trust in myself. I continually am making progress, and my heart has grown bigger and more open in the process.... which is such a beautiful gift, and yet that vulnerability and the subsequent exposure does still challenge me. It is challenging me at the moment because my life feels so BIG right now, so gravid... which is bloody brilliant, but I feel like I need to assist or facilitate in some way .... To what? ...To get it all to work out exactly the way I want I suppose. Ok, so maaaybe the trust stuff is occasionally coupled with control stuff. I did say maybe ;-)
What, like the Universe doesn't have my best interest at heart? I know better than to think like that.
When I try 'helping' too much, inevitably I start getting in my own way and create a crack big enough for doubt to creep in. I doubt my own intuition, my own heart....and that sometimes bleeds into the doubting of others.  And because doubt is born of fear then that can lend itself to self sabotage..... yada, yada, yada.... and I definitely don't need to repeat that fuckin' lesson.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother..... and... Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof." - Khalil Gibran

If we're gonna go with the gravid/pregnant metaphor (which is hilarious because it's me) then it's like I feel that I need to be pushing.  To those women the doctor usually says, it's not time to push yet... JUST BREATHE. How is it that breathing can be sooo easy to overlook and just plain forget?!
When I forget to breathe, that pull to push and facilitate has a tendency of pushing opportunities and people away, and that's the last thing I want and the exact opposite of what I'm intending.  

Of course, I can't sit back completely and trust the Universe to do EVERYthing. You put in the work obviously, but there are times when the most appropriate thing to do is just sit back and watch it all unfold.
Life is an exchange of energy, and if I'm holding my breath then I'm not doing my part. It makes me think of that lyric in Foo Figher's 'Everlong': "Breathe out, so I can breathe you in."

Breathe by Telepopmusik