Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Look then leap? Nah, just leap!

     What better day than today to bring ya’ll up to speed on the leaps and bounds of my year in dance. In the end of January post, I mentioned the fact that our dance company, Daughter of Zion Aerial Dance would be performing in Italy in July. That is still a go, and looks like we will be there from the 10th-15th give or take a day.  I love that I’m blessed enough to have yet another international birthday. Last year in Guatemala sealed the fate of 31 being abso-fuckin-lutely amazing! Me thinks turning 32 in Italy won’t be too shabby either. I just recently got our two performance cities, Valenzano and Marina-Igea Bellaria, Italy, for those of who you I know will want to make a surprise birthday appearance.

     As if that wasn’t international enough for ya, when I went up on Saturday for our first rehearsal, Rina once again asks me if I would be willing… WILLING, to go to the Edinburgh Fringe Festival … as if I would say anything other than, “Holy shit! Are you serious? HALE YES!” So just a couple weeks after our Italian adventure, we will oh so non-chalantly roll off the plane in Scotland for our 6 show run! I canna believe it!  
       The theaters in Italy cannot accommodate us aerially, (and we’re not sure about Edinburgh) so we are in the process of creating a new floor piece.  A three part trio, which sounds redundant I realize but isn’t. The trio itself consists of Rina, Kevin and I and is then broken into three parts. We already got through a minute and a half of the 3:30min of the first section, which may not sound like a major achievement but it actually is, especially considering our initial meeting of the minds and the fact that someone expertly hit my car in the parking lot really cut into our time. It’s a damn good start!

     And for all you who’ve been asking when and if we’re going to have any more local performances, the answer is still no shadowed by a tiny yes. We’re going to be doing a film shoot and mini performance of our latest works and festival pieces for a small group of our nearest and dearest on Sunday May 6th.  If you’re curious and want to make a fun day trip up to Santa Ynez, mark your calendars. Also Rina is now heading the dance department at Cate School in Carpenteria, and we will be performing in one of the seniors first choreographed pieces on Monday May 14th….Again, if you’ve got a free Monday and want a day trip up north come check us out! 

Happy Leap Day!!

Thursday, February 23, 2012

This or Something Better

    At the wise suggestion of a friend (wink wink and oink), and in an attempt to spare certain feelings and the more delicate sensibilities of others I will go more into my internal dialogue (because being inside my head is oh so much fun) rather than into the who, what, where, whens and whys of current life events, specifically those of a more romantic persuasion. (We have enough ‘Carrie Bradshaws’ out there)
I will say though that Berlin is lovely this time of year.

I’ve finally relinquished that safety net of hoping my gay boyfriend will turn straight or that a good friend’s marriage is really just an elaborate façade, a green card or something. *sigh* The fact that now that I’m in a place where I’m ready and want to be dating–dating, as in dating in hopes of a real relationship I’m finding the whole process and my reaction fascinating!
I think it’s partially my general emotional makeup - being a Cancer and all, my age, and the self-destructive emotional debacle of my last relationship that makes this go round so different.

Many may know I am someone who definitely has had her bouts of trust issues, as in NO trust. They don’t call me ‘Bar Flaps for nothin’. While I am strong and tough, I also have this ridiculously huge capacity for love leading me to wear my heart on my sleeve…. Not always visible to the untrained eye of course, but on the sleeve I usually keep tucked into my Cancerian shell… yea, that sleeve.  And I DO believe in love, and I DO want a partner.  I don’t need the piece of paper (although my man and I would have one helluva ‘wedding’ party) but I do want someone to journey with.  
And then my age, as we all know I did not come factory installed with a biological clock so that’s not what we’re talking about, but turning 30 and especially 31 gave me such solid clarity as to who I am and what I want for my life.  Finally, my last serious relationship was the most difficult and painful relationship of my life. I regret nothing, however I ignored a lot of red flags for way too long and I ended up hurting myself more than was necessary. Never again!

Those three factors combined makes it so I feel a little like, 
“ Look, if you’re not HIM… then I really don’t have time for this.” And that’s so terrible, I know. I mean I’m basically asking to read the last page before even opening the book, I get that… but still, I’m just sayin’. If I thought I had a large capacity for love BEFORE my trip, shiiiit! My heart is not only 100% open now, but it’s actually grown in size…. I think it’s even gotten louder … it’s like a 2XL heart now so ya know a girl’s gotta kinda watch that.

I believe whole-heartedly in the statement, “It’s the journey, not the destination.”At the same time, when I’m ready for something it’s like “ Let’s do this!”  
Now at 31, I want all the bullshit upfront. I can own my stuff so I want us each to bring our respective baggage to the table, look through it, and say ‘Yay’ or ‘Nay’.   I also want the kind of honesty that if the dude is dating around or just looking for a hook-up, I want him to say that right off the bat so I can make the decision for myself.

And yes, I realize that’s the point of creating a profile on an online dating site, but I’ve done that and have no more interest. I prefer meeting someone organically based on energy /intuition. That was how I met Berlin, and no matter what comes or doesn’t come of it the point is I naturally attracted in a fantastic guy and had a brilliant time.
But really, now I find myself wondering if I really like someone and see potential when do I have that ‘show and tell’ conversation… that whole “What are you looking to get out of this? Let’s compare damage/baggage…oh and by the way I don’t want and can’t have children” convo without coming across too militant and crazy. It’s all in the delivery I spose….

And actually, I’m in a much more relaxed place around it all than it probably sounds, so please don’t send me replies of ‘Chill out’ or ‘Just relax and see where it goes’ because OBVIOUSLY, but I’m just a complicated woman I guess. Or as someone so cleverly said to me, “ Oh, so you mean you’re just a woman.” 
My mindset is “this or something better”. Meaning ‘This’ is really good, but if ‘tis not meant to be then I create the space for the ‘something better’ to take its place and let the other go.  This goes with just about everything in my life now, not just in the dating sense. 
Last Saturday I spent an amazing day with Rochelle, Eddie, Doug and DeLise and while exploring the tide pools of Zuma Beach…’Chelle commented, “I love our life!” To see the pictures, click on the link 
And I do, I love my life…. exactly as it is!

All I’m saying is that dating does seem to change as you get older, you’re a little less willing to blindly throw yourself over the edge, and I don’t think that’s necessarily bad.  It doesn’t have to mean you’re less willing to take chances or get hurt, but in my case I no longer would hold out hope that someone will change over time…(because in my experience, they don’t) and I’m not willing to compromise the things I want and need from a relationship… whenever that happens. And whenever that does happen, you can bet I will have assembled a committee of my most trusted friends to cast their vote, and THIS TIME I promise I will listen to you ;-)

But that’s me, for those of you not happily coupled, have you become wiser for the wear or more reckless in love?  


Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Valentine Playlist

      Yes I agree, today is a total bullshit greeting card company created day, and yet it IS all around us making it impossible to ignore..... and if you think about it, is it really so terrible to have a holiday celebrating the only thing that truly matters in this world.... LOVE!
Soooooo HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY everyone! 
Even though I got a few misinterpreted (meaning the blog was misinterpreted), LOUD responses and personal projections to my last post, making me a bit skittish at reporting on the presence of romantic precipitation in my life I really struggle not to share when I have a radical roller coaster ride of a weekend, like this past one. I will fast forward past the delicious debauchery of Friday night that didn't have me home till 6:30 in the morning, the admission of the existence of such details says enough. A funny thing happened on the way to the Forum though.....
Rochelle, DeLise and I reunited for the first time in 5 - 6 months at the BT and eventually made our way to Lula's for food. After they left, I followed a slightly buzzed impulse to continue the night on my own for a little while and make a reappearance in the Basement. I think a lot of this ballsy impulse came from the fact that my approach to the evening was not to try so hard or at all. Try so hard at what you ask? I don't know really.... just being out I guess. I just wanted to enjoy that it was Friday and I didn't have to report to a desk in the morning. I rolled up for the night in my favorite jeans and a t-shirt, my Damn Skippy tee, and my favorite boots, not heels.  In general though I really have no issue being someplace, even a bar, by myself especially when there's live music... it helps to know the bartender though ;-) 
Stella in hand, feeling totally at ease I make my way into the crowd and off to the side so I can see the band.  Suddenly I'm shooting the shit with these two guys about the band and music in general, and my rebellious behavior of being there as a one woman wolf pack. Then even more suddenly as one kinda lists away I actually focus in on whom I've been talking to, more importantly I focus in on the dark curly hair, blue eyes and glasses of his super sexy, totally into me sober friend.... and I think, "Huh?! Ummmm, awesome?!" I actually wasn't hoping or looking to meet anyone, I was totally digging my one woman wolf pack vibe.  And then here was, let's call him Mr. Berlin (b/c he's from Germany - lived there 10 yrs) hilarious, interesting, interested, and adorable typing his number into my phone so we could coordinate going to Lucha VaVoom on Thursday. (Lucha VaVoom is night of Mexican wrestling, burlesque, and comedy: It's kind of a big thing here...) 
My easy breezy attitude and approach to the night scored me an ACTUAL date with a seemingly fantastic guy!!! He ended up disappearing with his friends, but texted me not long after to say "Hey, nice to meet ya, you're really cool...etc"  Fast forward and cut to me driving to meet up with Chelle, Bree and Greg for a long overdue visit to Limon Grill and the musical stylings of the Shoemaker Brothers Saturday night whe my phone lights up with a call from Berlin . I half expected not to hear from him again or figured if I did, he'd go with the standard rule from Swingers of waiting 2 days. Yet there he was asking how my day was, what I was up to, and if I wanted to get together Sunday for coffee or dinner. I was stunned! Who is this guy?..... this really cool, decent and gentlemanly guy calling me THE NEXT DAY asking me out for a date even before our tentative Thursday Mexican wrestling plan? Again I ask, 'Ummmmmmm awesome?!' Me thinks mayhaps! But he can't possibly be as cool as I remember him from Friday, so while I was excited for a genuine date it didn't get any over analytical play in my head. 
And as it turns out he was as cool I remembered him, cooler actually .... more lovely .... more interesting ... more hilarious ... more handsome. Who is this guy?? Turns out he was the best first date I've had in 14 years!!!!... not since my first date with Andrew, my 7 1/2 yr relationship for those who don't know that backstory. I've obviously had tons of first dates and even a couple relationships since Andrew and I broke up in 2005, but he and I had an ease that is rare to find right off the bat. Berlin even  felt it and commented that even when a date is going well, you still feel like you're 'trying' ... we didn't have that :-)
I quite easily could go on and on about how much fun I had, how much I laughed, how comfortable yet excited I felt, but I really don't want to give it too much energy. I don't want to obsess or get overly wrapped up in it. I've even gone back and forth editing this post trying to decide if I should even mention the existence of such a mythical creature. My natural tendency would be to fear that by talking about it or getting too excited would jinx it and 'Vamoosh', it'd be gone. This unicorn date proved to me though that everything I've gone through, learned, and let go of this past year is paying off in a HUGE way. I'm of course looking forward to Lucha VaVoom Thursday and meeting his friends, but if the second date is only mezza mezza .... THAT'S OK because there was so much power and hope in that first one. It was such a gift. And it was very validating that keeping those bar flaps over my heart open allows people to truly see ME.... 
    So obviously in the end, I opted to take a stand against my old habit of a jinx mentality and share this. My heart is pounding though and I feel very exposed right now, like peeled skin exposed. I'm desperately fighting the urge to take it all back, and pull one flap shut. But I'm fighting equally hard to remind myself that there is sooooo much strength in vulnerability. * gulp 

      I thought I would create a playlist for everyone in my life whether they're single (and happy or unhappy about it), coupled, head over heels, obsessed, crushing, broken up .... whatever.... I think I got something for everyone :-) Oh and in case you don't know personally or I've ever failed to mention.... I am a 'mix tape' MASTER! (tied for first with my dearest Muriel-- we would be the world's greatest DJ duo)  Let the ear candy commence!

'Single & Lovin' It!'

(Love in an Elevator -- Aerosmith)

'Single by choice'
For a dude friend o' mine who has NO interest 
in dating right now
(I Am a Rock -- Simon & Garfunkel)

 'Single and Hopeful'

( I Believe in a Thing Called Love -- The Darkness)

'Single & Willing to Take the Risk'
 and a huge Lloyd Dobler fan in Say Anything
(Lloyd, I'm Ready to Be Heartbroken -- Camera Obscura)

'Broken up, Angry, Licking Your Wounds'
 while still groovin to a swingin'retro beat
(Breaking the Chains of Love -- Fitz & The Tantrums)

'Crushing (without a chance) ' 

(True Affection by The Blow)

'Crushing but Romantically Skittish
and Needs Encouragment'
(Love Lost -- Temper Trap)

'In Love'

(Cosmic Love -- Florence & The Machine)

'In Love.... or Trying to Get Over Someone... or Wanting Someone You Can't Have'
in other words....'It's Complicated'

(Bloodstream-- Stateless)
"I think I might have inhaled you
I can feel you behind my eyes
You've gotten into my bloodstream
I can feel you flowing in me..."

'Happily Coupled & Cohabitating'

'An Against All Odds & Back Together & IN LOVE'
( for 2 of my favorite people)
(I Believe When I Fall in Love It will Be Forever -- Stevie Wonder)

'TRUE Love'
(You Are The Best Thing -- Ray LaMontagne)

and this one is for ME!
"changin' your heart, you know who you are!"
(1234 -- Feist)

There were a million more songs I could've picked, 
but these are the most appropriate for the people in my life. 
You are ALL my Valentines!!

I will be continuing my yearly Valentine's tradition of watching Harold & Maude... if you haven't seen it or it's been a long time I would suggest you join me :-)


Thursday, February 2, 2012

It's Raining Men..... NOT!

Now let me make it clear that this blog is in no way inspired by the new month and the impending corporate created doomsday of saccharin and expectation.... This is a culmination of experience, research and realization over the last month that just so happens to be coinciding with this month of mush.

So I'm just gonna jump right in, " WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? ...WITH MEN? ....OR IS IT ME?"
Is there some sort of planetary block against me and my friend's particular astrological charts? It's not so much a "where are they?" because we can find them and get quite a favorable response, but it's more of a "why aren't they calling?"  Now let me back up a little... before I left, as many of you know, Wednesdays were known to my girls and I as 'Happiness Hour Wednesday' where we would go out, usually to The Yard. We always had so much fun, became friends with the staff...some of us more than just friends...*ahem, meaning me....and the chef.... and met some really lovely guys! We were on fire! We had prospects and crushes. Now since I've been back, when we've gone out it's been like crickets! Well that's not entirely true in my case. I reconnected with a guy I've known for over a year and we had a couple really fun nights (no sex, but some super yummy makeout sessions --something so underrated nowadays), I eluded to said evening in my last epic Friday talk marathon night, "easy conversation and delicious connection". Then again, crickets.... I eventually got the feedback from him that he was 'in a strange place/closed off', etc.... I was bummed for sure but that's fine, I get that ...don't know if I necessarily buy it 100%, but whatever. It makes me think of the Radiohead lyrics,  "Just cuz you feel it, doesn't mean it's there" ...Damn! albeit so true!

Then this past weekend with our friend Karen in town we went to Rochelle's and my new fav hangout....I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you. One of the bartenders stuck pretty close to our side of the bar after pretty clearly having taken a  shine to me. He was constantly catching my eye or coming over to chat. He was also super generous with my me and paid for a couple of my drinks. When we left, Rochelle prompted me to give him my number which I did and even though I didn't turn around again, Rochelle said that he made a very funny, but very pleased and happy face. Now I realize it's still in the realm of possibility that I could still hear from him....but something tells me it's gonna be....wait for it.... more crickets! He could've just been impressed and hopeful with my order of ' a shot of Don Julio Blanco and a Fat Tire" because he said, "Fuck yea you can!"  I know someone who would say that he totally was just hoping that I'd get super wasted by the time his shift ended. *Sigh .... Is this true? He didn't feel like that guy.

Then I recently heard that women can't meet men in Los Angeles... again, is this true? Her experience and advice was to go OUTSIDE of L.A to meet dudes, sometimes they're even from L.A. Even the whole online dating thing is bizarre and completely hit or miss, MOSTLY MISS!
Also one of my guy friends said that living in California, specifically in L.A, gives guys an extra dose of ADD when it comes to chicks/relationships because there are sooooo many beautiful women here. And that a girl who might be a 8, 9, or even a 10 ANYWHERE else is only like a 5, 6, or 7 here.
Well shit! I have no idea what my initial rank was living in Ohio or Arizona, but I'm positive it wasn't a 8-10 ....sooooo does that mean my L.A number is what is screwing me!?  
* louder sigh and a harumph
And not only that but age probably affects your number so have I lost points for being over 30?

The funny thing is that for the first time in my life, because I am over 30 and know exactly who the fuck I am and what I want my, heart is wide open and I feel like a solid 9. Is this what is acting as a kind of repellant?
Did I attract more attention before my trip because I wasn't as confident, open or emotionally available?
Isn't confidence supposed to be sexy? Was the glow emanating from the three of us Saturday night blinding the men there so that they couldn't 'see' us?

I want to acknowledge the fact that I do know some really incredible men, men I would go for in a second, but unfortunately they're married/otherwise attached, gay, not romantically compatible, or living far far away. I'm happy to have them in my life because they do feed my soul, but.....
I need available and local.
I would love for those men to weigh in here, what do you all think? You know me, so let me have the truth of it! I can take it. IS it me????

Both Rochelle and I separately got really annoyed with all of this on Sunday after our night out, and we downloaded about it that night. It became like a war strategy meeting. She said, " We need a new course of action? What do we need to do, what aren't we doing?..... I guess we just need to keep going out and being our shiny smiling open selves" We don't even know anyone who knows anyone to set the other up with, well she has a couple more possibilities because of her neighbors. I even sent a desperate text to a friend asking for cool single dude leads ... even to that I got crickets!!!! I offered that maybe it's like most people say, that when you're not looking for it is when it shows up. It was that way for our friend DeLise... DeLise was in no way looking and Doug kinda came out of nowhere and now they're inseparable and perfect together! Thank Gawd for Doug! We love Doug! Rochelle doesn't agree, she knows several stories of couples who found one another while they were actively/eagerly looking...... so who the hell knows?

At this point, it's kind of funny and we have to just laugh about it I guess. Karen definitely brought the levity to our condition when she said we sound like that children's book "Are you my mother?" looking around and saying "Are you my man? Are you my man?"
(*For those that don't know the book reference: A baby bird is hatched while his mother is away. Fallen from his nest, he sets out to look for her and asks everyone he meets -- including a dog, a cow, and a plane -- "Are you my mother?")

But while yes, I am in a place where I would like a relationship and not just a booty call I'm not necessarily looking for a husband.... I just miss having those prospects and crushes. 
 Hell, just call a sista back!