RE: my Facebook status this morning, “The dating game really changes as you get older and effin’ SUCKS sometimes” leaves one with the assumption that Berlin, aka Mr. Smith and I are done and such a one would be correct. Ever since Coachella, (the clarity I referenced in my last post) I had a nagging feeling that a State of the Union conversation was most definitely in order…. in order and as it turned out on the docket for last night. First and foremost, it sucks! There was or is A LOT of good in our little story, but as you get older it seems like in order to really be fair to yourself and the other person you have to be more rational, selective and timely. You really do know inside of the first 90days whether the relationship is something promising enough to pursue and buy emotional stock in, or not so much. Luckily, I did not completely take him by surprise. We were very much on the same page as far as our doubts and differences, one of the main ones obviously being the ‘kid factor’. He admitted to still being very undecided, and made an excellent point about the fact that when it’s not even on the table you look at that more seriously. As many of you know, I do not want my own children….never have. After examining that on a much deeper level and much family consultation, a month before my 30th birthday I made the decision to have my tubes blocked thus making it impossible to have children, because NO, it’s not reversible. While that was absolutely the right decision for me, it definitely puts me in a minority and makes finding a like-minded partner a bit harder. If I ever did change my mind I would adopt, but will never ever put that out there as an option for someone to hang their hopes on. And interestingly enough, I would be okay ending up with a man who already had his own children. It sucks that one of the first topics of conversation on the first date now has to be, “Umm, excuse me, pardon me, buuuuut… do you want kids?” I said to my mom this morning, “ I sure did not pick an easy row to hoe…” in regards to choices I’ve made in designing my life. She said, “You’ve definitely chosen the road less traveled.” *Harumph and sigh!
So when I asked him if he thought we should quit while we were ahead, he looked startled and sad, but essentially agreed. The smaller differences, personality stuff, you eventually get used to and learn how to maneuver but with the more fundamental things do we really want to spend another three months, or more, getting more invested only to realize those things haven’t changed? I do not….as unfortunate as that is. My heart couldn’t take it. At one point he kind of laughed and said, "We're old. I guess this is what dating looks like now."
Yep. Tis' true, the game done changed.....
The night was sad, of course, a few tears forcibly made their escape but it was also beautiful, honest, pure and even fun. No one got defensive, the communication was so easy and lovely and he still managed to make me smile and laugh. When this whole thing started I said Berlin was the best first date I’d had in 15 years, since Andrew, and in the end he was also the best breakup since Andrew. When Andrew and I broke up, it too was mutual and mature and honest and pure and beautiful…maybe not as much fun because we were dealing with the sadness of 7.5 years of love and history vs. 3 months, but still. I feel blessed and am so grateful you came into my life Mr. Smith, you definitely left a mark, in the best way … Thank you.
In response to my FB post, someone sent me this joke/text: "Dating is like reaching your hand into a bag of broken glass because there's supposed to be a piece of candy at the bottom. There is no candy, stop sticking your hand in the bag."
To which I said, "Um thanks, that's depressing."
Even though it sucks that this is how things had to play out between Smith and I, I don't want to allow myself to become too jaded or allow a bitter taste to take hold in my mouth in regards to dating in general. I mean, yea the rules have clearly changed now that
A) I'm not 22 and
2) know exactly what I want and need
... but I think those are both good things, great things! I would never go back to 22 in a million years. I love being 2.5 months from 32! I also love knowing what I want and need! Maybe it just means that dating now loses some of its romance because you're trying to cut through the bullshit faster...? .... Or maybe because I've started wearing a shirt that says,
"DO NOT APPLY if any of the following are true; 1---, 2---, 3---, 4---, 5---"
.... Too much? Too forward? hahahahaha...
The same person that sent that depressing joke 'redeemed' themselves with these wise words, "I'm taking a Zen approach to it, if there's candy in the bag I don't need to jam my hand in there, just be patient and pick out all the glass."
But the best dating quote I've found is from Sex and the City (cliche I know):
“.... I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting, challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you can find someone to love the you you love, well, that's just fabulous.”
Tomorrow is a new day and a new month.