Sunday, October 28, 2012


CCBella that is.... BOOM! I'm on YouTube ya'll.... as of tonight!!! Whaaa whaaaat!

I went back over the first 4 episodes today and after re-filming the 3rd one for the 3rd time (I explain why) I made them all public. Yikesabee! There is a 5th one dedicated to my niece but I'm saving that for Halloween, muuahahaha :-)

I have to say that I really am in awe and incredibly grateful to Manchester for
A) pushing me to do this
2) lending me all the equipment
C) sending me all kinds of trouble-shooting links
4) being such a supportive and objectively critical pair of eyes after each upload...

     I still have no idea why he took such an interest in seeing me follow through on this. I mean, yes of course, we're friends but anyone else would've probably just offered the suggestion but then let it go after my first round of hemming and hawing and expertly crafted stalling techniques and excuses.... not to mention the second round. Instead, he more or less hounded me about it constantly at work and outside of work and then like I said, during my Brighton Breakdown Zombie Apocalypse week from hell he got REALLY persistent and I finally gave in. I gave in 2 more times and by the third video, I was hooked. Gawd, I really am an ego-maniac! hahahaha ego-maniac and a performance whore. *Sigh of acceptance*

      Seriously though, I'm not sure why I am enjoying this so much. I guess because a part of it reminds me of being in therapy... that safe space where you completely have the floor to just ramble and work shit out. I'm not saying I don't have that space with my friends, I do, but at some point it's obnoxious to go on and on about yourself. (I'm sorry if I do that too much!)I also find myself offering a fair amount of advice to people in my life, not unsolicited mind you....(or at least I hope I'm not that preachy asshole.) Let's just say that one of my best girls calls me Dr. Trowman.
I guess I don't know. I need to look at it more closely as to why and how this is feeding me. All I know is that it is. It's fun and healing at the same time. I pray to gawd though that I make at least one other person (OTHER than my mother) smile and look at their own life. I hope I'm saying things that will resonate with people, whether it's my poetry or my humble life experiences.
I have no idea how long I will keep at this, but the bottom line is that it is serving me now, and so THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU Manchester!

    I am still finding my way with the whole thing. I was at least gifted with the brilliant tag line of "Life, Love and Literature" --- thanks again T, you fuckin nailed it! Because so far those three things are the through thread of all my videos.... I ramble, hopefully charmingly, throw out some pearls of wisdom and then put you to sleep with my poetry. Oh yea, I'm totally going viral with this shit! -- hahaha! In order to comfort my more methodical and planning side, I would like to settle on more of a true format. I can't seem to adhere to a particular length of time. The first one was 10 1/2 min, the second 7, the third one is 30... and trust me that is the length it is meant to be because I filmed that bastard 3 times and each time it was somewhere between 22-30 min, and the 4th and 5th one are 20 something as well. I also don't want to just go on and on about my own stuff.... I'd like to see if I can get people to contribute topic ideas, poem ideas, art ideas or even situations in which they'd like some advice. I asked my 11 yr old niece if she wanted or needed any advice, and so like I said my 5th video addresses those very issues. Maybe I'll move more into my art for a couple, talk more about my first ever experience creating work for the dance company, my favorite books, and/or a music whore's insider guide to seriously good tunes...?

Watch them and let me know what ya'll think... honesty and inspiration is always welcome here :-)
If you click on the green link at the top it will take you to 'Episode 1 ... WTF am I doing?' or just search YouTube for CCBella Says...
Love, Hugs, and other 'drugs'

Monday, October 22, 2012

Here a Blog, there a Vlog, everywhere a Blah Blah Blah

    Let’s just get it out of the way. Most of you have checked in with me ‘Post Brighton’ to take the temperature of my mental and emotional state, and I thank you all for that.... like Kevin (Top 5 all time favorite dudes and my tattoo artist) sending me a text just saying, "Is it tattoo time?"
Damn skippy it is! Bring on the blood and pain... make my outside match my inside. hahaha
I wish I could say that the two weeks has made anything about the experience less palpable… that one or both of us has successfully severed our psychic/energetic connection … that I realized I just caught up in something sweet but fleeting and insignificant, that I absolutely have not developed some kind of heartache induced anxiety that has me off the caffeine and on the Kava, that I don't listen to the same playlist on Spotify over and over and over again and am convinced that Ben Howard psychically wrote his album 'Every Kingdom' in anticipation of this very situation. I cannot say any of those things. But it feels superfluous and detrimental, not to mention infinitely boring to all of you, to write in each and every blog about the psychology of heartbreak and longing while I heal. Soooo instead I’m going to VLOG about it. Hahahahaha… just kidding…. well kind of....

    A vlog is as one would assume, a video blog… and I’m about to air mine in the next couple weeks or so.  I have created a YouTube channel called CCBella Says...
WTF right?! Okay, so let me explain how this all came to be. My friend and co-worker, (who I am now going to refer to from here on out as Manchester because that's where he's from and that seems to be how I identify those who don't want to be named) offered me this challenge to create a vlog as an avenue to get my poetry and art ‘out there.’ He gave me all the equipment and told me to play around and video at least ONE ‘episode.’  I kept stalling and putting it off because the thought of actually being on camera felt too revealing.... which is odd because as we all know I'm a total performance whore. The company (my day-job) was out of town the week of the Brighton Breakdown, THANK GAWD, but Manchester still checked in with me from the road seeing if I’d filmed anything yet. I briefly alluded to my non- functioning status complete with an aversion to showers and food (my own personal zombie apocalypse – not a pretty sight) to which he just said, ‘USE the pain dude!’ That Saturday I finally pulled a brush through my hair, changed out of my Buckeyes sweatshirt, slapped on some mascara and a smile….and hit record.  Having no idea of what I was doing or what I wanted to say I proceeded to ramble for 10 and a half minutes, the last 30 seconds devoted to reading the poem I had just written about ... well… I'll give ya one guess ;-)
The best part? I didn't completely abhor the sight and sound of myself - score!
Feeling quite proud of myself, I sent Manchester the link. He gave me a 10/10 for content (shweet!) but has serious issues with the production quality; i.e lighting, lack of HD, sound, etc. But look, it's practically a miracle I even found the energy and hootspah to pull off those 10 minutes... and in these early days if it's not as easy as clicking the record button then I'm Audi 5000. Soooo keep that in mind as you all begin to watch. The technolgy and production will improve, but in the meantime focus on the content.... For example, in the second one I'm a little less cheerful which leads to me arguing with the Rune reading I gave myself, and yelling at Zoe for jumping on the table - good times!

I still haven't found my rhythm with it all yet... or rather the format... I'm still just basically rambling and being honest and self deprecating and hilarious.... sooooo yes I'm just being myself. I've still only shared it with 3 people. I've gotten some awesome feedback and support. ODB made a comment that I was sharing some pretty personal stuff and asked if I really wanted to put that out there publicly. My first thought was 'DUDE, you read this blog-- that's kinda my thang.'
Valid point though coming from such a thoughtful mind, and I thought about it and kept coming back to 'YES!' Maybe I shouldn't be so okay with it, but that's something else entirely. My frame of mind these days is very 'Go big or go home....muthafuckaaaaas!' Seriously though, splaying myself open in my blog has not only been very therapeutic  and expansive for me but it's also been therapeutic for a couple of my readers at various times.
I won't refer to anyone by name in the vlog, so rest assured. I will come up with nicknames for everyone. I am not looking to replace The Rover with CCBella Says at all.... the art of writing is too important to me. They will just complement one another. I look at it as not only a way to get my writing more in the public eye, but also as a way to hone my craft as a performer/public speaker especially as I want to move more into the theatre realm. I can hear Chelle now,
' YAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!' She's all about me moving more into true theater performance and acting, etc.

So on that note, I'm signing off here to go film my third episode...or rather third webisode of the my newest castrophe in creativity. Gooooo me!
After I sent Manchester the first link he said 'Great, now make 3 more.' I think I'm going to wait to make them public till I have 4 or 5. Stay tuned!!

P.S .... and seriously, if you don't know Ben Howard listen to the songs; Only Love, Gracious, Black Flies, and Keep Your Head Up and try and tell me they WEREN'T  written for me right now..... and while you're at it, check out The National - England..... OR if you're on Spotify, make it easier on yourself and just listen to the playlist 'Brighton'......  I mean, HELLOOOOO?!?!?!? ;-)

Love, hugs and other drugs

Friday, October 12, 2012

Head Up & Heart Strong

Clarity is a gift… and a bitch…. but mostly a gift.

Without going into it too much, I feel I must confess to the fact that things have ended with the Brit. If there are any "I told you so's" out there itching to be spoken, please keep them to yourself.
The reason I feel it important to address this is because this blog is devoted to honesty and all my roving adventures, in life and in love….. because in the end they are one in the same.
The ending of this particular chapter made it not only into my all time Top Five most painful experiences, it actually earned a spot in the Top Three.  I became unstitched in a way no one has ever seen me, not my mother or closest friends. That’s okay though because when I think about the other Top 2, I realize that the most beautiful gifts came out of them.  And to clarify, it was only the ending that’s been excruciating… and I mean crawl out of my skin excruciating. These past 2 months with him have been some of the best of my life, even at the inconvenient 5000+ mi distance. It was 1000% worth it. So I suppose the more accurate and honoring statement is that this whole whirlwind has made it into my all time Top Three most amazing experiences.
And actually, rather than say anything has ever ‘ended’ it feels more appropriate to say they have been put on a shelf for now because we never know what the future holds, and who might walk back in at some point.  I’m not saying that I am counting on that or holding out for it at all, but I intend to ALWAYS stay open to the great Unknown…. to changed minds, to new stories, edited stories or those to be continued….

I pulled a Rune yesterday, Perth, which along with the most honest and loving albeit tragic follow up email I received information enough to step out of my paralysis and move forward.

Perth talks to us about the unknowable in life. Although usually a prod to action, Perth can be telling you that your situation is far different than what you perceive it to be because there is much going on outside of your range of vision or knowing! Perth speaks of secrets and the unknown, of hidden forces and unseen activities. Perth appears to tell you that there are things going on beyond your control so it best to set things aside for now. Perth isn’t saying that you should give up, just set that particular issue for aside for the now and let life take it’s course. Action will come, but wait till you have available input.
      On the material plane Perth is about surprises, gains, or unexpected rewards. Just because it’s ‘unknown’ doesn’t mean it isn’t good!
Perth can be showing you where you have laid the proper foundation and are now in the position of being able to reap the benefits and rewards of your endeavors. When Perth shows in your spread, you can be sure that there is a mystery involved. Mysteries can be good (ever heard of Agatha Christy?) or they can sneak up and bite us in the butt when we least expect it.
       On the inner plane, when Perth arrives she invites your spirit to soar to a new degree of wholeness and acceptance. That invitation is an invitation to soar on the wings of a mighty eagle – the bird most aligned with nobility of spirit. This rune is also associated with the phoenix, that mystic bird that is burned in fire and then emerges from its own ashes. Powerful forces of change and renewal are in movement. Through the lessons Perth teaches she provides you with opportunities to soar. “Chance favors the prepared mind.” Allow your inner self to capitalize on the chance to fly by being prepared to capitalize on opportunities that come your way.
(Comes in handy to already have a phoenix tattooed on your 
back when it happens to be your power animal of the moment.
 I am light years ahead of even myself ;-) )

I have no idea though what this chance encounter will 
afford either one of us from here on, and how this piece fits 
into the big picture puzzle. I am still sad and disappointed
of course, but I can embrace it all with love and let it be.
 Mayhaps, I was to pave the way for someone far more 
magnificent to light his life. 
I've been known to have that effect...
What I DO know is this:
  • ·    The Universe orchestrated the loss of his wallet to 
             specifically bring us together.
  • ·      I have never met a man (any person) like him in my life.
  • ·      No one has ever seen me so clearly so quickly.
  • ·      He ‘speaks my language’.
  • ·      From Day 1, I have never experienced such a visceral 
   energetic connection with someone. Not a day has gone
   by when I couldn’t actually physically feel him and 
   his emotions.
  • ·      I have never fallen harder or faster in love. 
           I did not merely just get caught up in something. 
           This was legit.  
  • ·      He has raised the bar….
  • ·      I must be on the right track with all the work 
   I’m doing on myself to have drawn him in. Go me!

I was surrounded by such love and support this week that it 
created a kind of pillow fort making it ok for me to 
fucking fall apart while at the same time bolstering me back up
on my feet.  Thank you Mom, Nicole, Rochelle, Adam, Wendy,
Tim, and ODB. 
love love love love love love love love love love love love love 
love love love you!!!!!!!!!!

Gawd bless the new moon that is coming on the 15th!

'Head up and heart strong',  says Ben Howard.   
(Such a great concert by the way! 
Thank you again Greg & Bree!!!!!) 

 ** Please listen to this song, especially if you receive
my blog via email and it doesn't show up.

Till next time..... 


Sunday, October 7, 2012

Just Breathe

     If any of you had even a smidge of doubt that my full moon fever last weekend was not an expertly played chess move at the hands of the Universe and my spirit guides, that it was mere coincidence I got sick and had to come home, I almost hate to admit that I take delicious pride in proving you wrong. I did say almost ;-)  One of my intentions was to place in the photography contest I recently entered. And mayhaps I should have been  more specific and asked to win because I DID in fact place and was a silver medal finalist.

BOOM! Thank you Universe for pushing me out of my own way, and giving me no other choice than to completely let go of my most potent intentions and strongest desires, trusting them in the hands of others CLEARLY more capable than I.
:-) Thank you again so so so so so so so so much Rochelle and DeLise for rocking that fire! It not only has already gifted me, but also those I love that contributed.
I trust again in your stewardship as I sealed the envelope today on the submission packet for my writing fellowship. *gulp* ... I imagined ya'll reading my poems aloud giving them power and life, and had to laugh at myself because as I mentioned last post, I never would have allowed that.... again, quite plainly I needed to be hogtied and dragged out of my own way.
This is a time in my life where my trust issues are really being tested, on many levels in many situations. Trust is no doubt my main lesson in this life; trust in others, trust in the universe, and trust in myself. I continually am making progress, and my heart has grown bigger and more open in the process.... which is such a beautiful gift, and yet that vulnerability and the subsequent exposure does still challenge me. It is challenging me at the moment because my life feels so BIG right now, so gravid... which is bloody brilliant, but I feel like I need to assist or facilitate in some way .... To what? ...To get it all to work out exactly the way I want I suppose. Ok, so maaaybe the trust stuff is occasionally coupled with control stuff. I did say maybe ;-)
What, like the Universe doesn't have my best interest at heart? I know better than to think like that.
When I try 'helping' too much, inevitably I start getting in my own way and create a crack big enough for doubt to creep in. I doubt my own intuition, my own heart....and that sometimes bleeds into the doubting of others.  And because doubt is born of fear then that can lend itself to self sabotage..... yada, yada, yada.... and I definitely don't need to repeat that fuckin' lesson.

"Doubt is a pain too lonely to know that faith is his twin brother..... and... Faith is a knowledge within the heart, beyond the reach of proof." - Khalil Gibran

If we're gonna go with the gravid/pregnant metaphor (which is hilarious because it's me) then it's like I feel that I need to be pushing.  To those women the doctor usually says, it's not time to push yet... JUST BREATHE. How is it that breathing can be sooo easy to overlook and just plain forget?!
When I forget to breathe, that pull to push and facilitate has a tendency of pushing opportunities and people away, and that's the last thing I want and the exact opposite of what I'm intending.  

Of course, I can't sit back completely and trust the Universe to do EVERYthing. You put in the work obviously, but there are times when the most appropriate thing to do is just sit back and watch it all unfold.
Life is an exchange of energy, and if I'm holding my breath then I'm not doing my part. It makes me think of that lyric in Foo Figher's 'Everlong': "Breathe out, so I can breathe you in."

Breathe by Telepopmusik