Monday, November 12, 2012

A (fill in the blank)___ shaped hole....

       Long time, no blog eh? Well, I've recently been super busy and of course it's just been a pretty intense month overall to say the very very very.... very least. This was quite possibly the longest month of my entire life. It fuckin' felt like it anyway. Given that we're only 12 days into November I'm obviously referring to the month marker of the breakup and subsequent breakdown... break-waaaaaay-down. {And yes, I realize I need to stop going on and on about this, and I will ... but this is my blog and I'll cry if I want to, haha! Seriously, I'm only harping on it again as it is segwaying into my main point....promise!}

       If we go by the logic that it takes half the time you were with someone to get over them, then I should be a month and 4 days in the free and clear. Alas, I am not. There is nothing free and/or clear about this whole situation except possibly the fact that ANY kind of logic does not apply here.... not only does it not apply, it does not belong. There is no place for logic in BIG love.... dare I say it ... true love.
One of my favorite quotes is from Sex and the City's Carrie Bradshaw, "I am someone who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous… inconvenient… consuming.. “can’t live without each other” love."
If you have ever experienced this, then you know the mere notion of logic makes absolutely no sense. You don't even recognize the word on the page as English, it's that foreign of a concept.  Because I am a walking contradiction in many respects, another of my favorite quotes on the topic of amore is from Khalil Gibran, “Let there be spaces in your togetherness, And let the winds of the heavens dance between you...."  Sooooo then, I AM SOMEONE who is looking for love. Real Love. Ridiculous...inconvenient...consuming..."don't WANT to live without each other ...but CAN if need be" love.

       Even after recently getting beat to shit; sucker punched, kicked and slapped emotionally by a friend who was trying to drown this memory by giving me some seriously harsh realities and informing me he didn't "buy this whole Brighton thing/couldn't take it seriously", that I was better than all this upset.... The illogical part of all this is that I still know that I did find that Real Love. It was (still is) ridiculous, definitely inconvenient, and all consuming. And I don't want to be without it (him)... But I am....

     So having NOT jumped the next flight over there and fighting for something I believe in with every fibre of my being seems to contradict everything I just said about logic and love.... but actually to go would have been selfish and instead I'm doing my best to find a way to be okay with the Brighton shaped hole inside....because I believe the love was (is) true and I want to honor it and try to prove to the Universe I can live without it when it's appropriate even though I desperately don't want to.....
and mayhaps it will take pity on me and reward such effort ;-)

Does that make ANY sense or am I just 50 shades of fucked up?! Ha! .... The thing is, I'm not...
some truths just cannot be explained. Love cannot be explained.


       How does one find a way to be okay with whatever shaped hole they may have? Gratitude.... More specifically the gratitude that comes from embarking on a 21 Day Guided Meditation Challenge on Creating Abundance. Thank you Deepak Chopra! (and Karen for sending me the email!):
What other answer would you expect from your resident hippie?!!! ....
except maybe Sex, Drugs and Rock'n'Roll... 

"Cause I want whiskey when I'm sick
And a man when I'm well
But it's nice to have them both sometimes
When I feel like raising hell

So don't try and save me
I'll be just fine

I'm getting used to walking on a thin line"
---Thin Line by honeyhoney =  A FUCKIN GREAT BAND!

but I digress,

      I'm not sure how many of you are watching episodes of my vlog (, but I made mention in the second to last one that I was doing said challenge. I just completed the first week on Sunday, and I gotta say thus far ... IT. IS. AWESOME. I had no expectations for anything. I really just liked the idea of having the motivation and challenge of creating time for myself to meditate again. Noooo, not in the same way as that gawd-awful and brilliantly hilarious Vipassana retreat in Kathmandu from last year. Click this link to read the post, 'Rebel, Rebel' after my escape:
I do like taking 15-20 min to either silently focus on or actively chant a mantra. I prefer the chanting actually, because I like feeling the vibration of my voice and helps me quiet my mind almost immediately. My overachieving first intention was to also then journal each day about that day's centering affirmation and try and uncover whatever hang-ups I may have  in regards to that..... buuuut that has yet to happen. It's worked out just fine thus far to focus 100% while doing the meditation, taking the information in..... and then almost completely letting it go. That is not to say I forget what I heard. I just pick it up and put it down instead of turning it over, under, sideways down to analyze it.
And the reason I say it's worked out just fine is because so far the kind of abundance that has been created this week includes:
  • (Love) My 13 yr old nephew calling me every day to check in and shoot the shit. The unconditional patience and love of my friends, especially the ones that make cross country trips for me :-)
  • (Monetary) Receiving a letter that a credit card of mine owes me $$$ from like 5 years ago...Holla! A universal checks and balances also came into play when $10 got stolen from my car one morning.
  • (Opportunity) It's looking like the dance company... (the newly minted Zion Dance Company...having previously been 'Daughter of....')  is going to get to perform internationally again next year and it's my lil ol' mug on the promo poster :-) .... More details to come on all that later
  • (Creativity) A new collage is in the works AND the fact that my first ever creation for ZDC will premier at one of the biggest festivals in the world!!
    • Career wise, my abundance is overflowing!.... suddenly... or rather 8 years after the fact....after I decided to quit my job and pursue a life of dance, theater, and general artist merry-making the pieces are all finally falling into place.

      I think the best way to deal with a void is not to try and ignore it, cover it, or fill it up ...LOOK at it, FEEL it but also FOCUS on everything surrounding it. Focus on the brightly burning planets and shooting stars around that black hole..... the equally stunning mesas, trees, and birds above the canyon.
And that is all I have to say about that.
My musical recommendation of the week is
Alex Clare's album--The Latest of the Hour. You won't know how to feel about it the first time you hear it....
but it's super sexy and delicious!
Love, Hugs, and other 'Drugs'