Sunday, December 30, 2012

And another one bites the dust...

....Another year done. Another 365 days of experience under our belt, hopefully anyway. Hopefully, you find something in each day to carry with you making you better in some way; more aware, more savvy, more trusting, more loving, and more open. 2012 was very good to me indeed, as mentioned in my last post. Overall,I continued to ride the wave of magic afforded to me by my Eat, Pray, Love trip last year. The hearts that first appeared in Amsterdam, setting up the path that ended up leading me to 'Brighton' have continued to follow me and I in turn continue to trust their path.
    I already did a fairly good year summary in my Amockalypse post. Yet even in this last week I've received a few powerful reminders to take into the new year thus increasing my learning curve for 2013.

1) a two-parter....Facing the hardest tests in life:
  • A) The patience to wait for the right moment to act
    • which if you're me, said patience was absolutely excruciating, and came after multiple energetic temperature readings AND after watching Love Actually...Ugh! Could I be any more of a cliche? I think not.
  • B) The courage to accept whatever we encounter.
    • in regards to my personal experience, once I'd put myself and my heart 1000% on the line, I have no choice but to accept whatever comes back.....
  • 3) This reminded me of the ever appropriate Serenity Prayer:
    • "Gawd, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can.....and the wisdom to know the difference!"
2) Speak the truth, even if your voice shakes....
  • ...ESPECIALLY when it shakes! When you have discovered and/or energetically felt the right moment to act, speak the truth. Or more to the point, speak YOUR truth however that looks: voice shaking or palms and pits sweating as you type. Also, don't over analyze and censor yourself too much. (Or once again in my case, censor yourself at all! Good Gawd!) Whether right or wrong, I spoke my truth leaving no chance for doubt, leaving nothing unsaid. Gulp. Whether it produces the result you want or not, the freedom you feel from being that honest not only to yourself but to whomever you're speaking is immense...and priceless. Honoring yourself truly is one of, if not the greatest gift you can give yourself as well as though closest to you.
3) "....Kiss slowly, laugh insanely, love truly....
and forgive quickly"
  • As many of you know, I have the "laugh insanely" part down... my unmistakable and unapologetic guffaw is something I've come to love about myself. Someone told me once, it sounds like it comes up from my toes... *sigh and smile. Tis true.
  • I loved truly this year. I also hurt deeply. I forgave even quicker. Happily ever after or not, I gave myself over completely to someone and am a better person for it. If you have not been sideswiped by love, I would ask, "What are you waiting for?" If you have, I would advise you to first investigate the crime scene, pad your pockets with the necessary evidence for future reference and then "Step off the curb again!"

   In the last few months, I've caught a lot of shit from my friend Manchester about wearing my heart on my sleeve and feeling too much. I used to view this as a real weakness and abhored any symptoms of such a disease, especially in myself. I've since realized 'LOVE' in all its forms is a disease I'd happily die from, and I've worked very hard to become someone who can carry the load of a heart bigger than her 5'10, 150lb frame.

Happy New Year everyone!
Please take the time to review your 2012;
Release what no longer serves you,
Hold tight to the things that do.
Say NO to Fear, say YES to Love!
And remember....
Life is too short to wake up in the morning with regrets
and nothing worth having comes easy!


Sunday, December 16, 2012


      I almost forgot until I was catching up on my Hulu queue and watching this week's episode of Glee that the world is set to end in exactly 5 days. How could I possibly overlook such a seriously supposed and alleged event?! Obviously because I do not believe it and therefore have given it no energy. 
It got me to thinking though, of course. What if it were true? Maybe I should've been stockpiling emergency survival supplies all along. I mean, I just went to the grocery for the first time in weeks, and I still only got veggies to juice and a few salmon fillets for a week. Zoe and I would be screwed! Although, when you say to me that the world is actually going to end then I translate that to mean that it is actually going to cease to exist. Like the earth is going to completely implode or just expel us all with a kind of cataclysmic sneeze and start all over again, alone.... I gotta say I wouldn't blame it. Soooo then why would I be hoarding?  ....What if we'd been given this 'X months to live prognosis' and we'd all just blown it off? 
How did I feel about my life thus far... was I happy? Did I have regrets? What would I have done differently? Did I leave too much undone, unsaid, unfinished? ...yada, yada, yada.

     While I would prefer not to have to work 40 hours a week in an office but rather just get paid to be fabulous and brilliant and create art all day, I am appreciated and respected at my job and it affords me to be able to live any kind of creative life at all. And sure I wish I didn't have to check my bank balance before every purchase, but I can easily say, I am proud of my life. I am proud of the woman I am at 32. In the last 2 years, I have learned to stand in and live out my truth. That is not always comfortable for the people around me, but I do it nonetheless knowing honoring myself will do them far less harm than it would me if I didn't.
As I know I've mentioned several times, going on my Eat, Pray, Love trip last year brought me to the place where I could say, "I am the woman I always wanted to be when I grew up." Since then, I've only received more opportunities to live up to that and then break the ceiling and go further. Now I look at myself and my life and think, "Now, I am becoming a woman I never knew I wanted to be or even dreamed I could be." 
This year alone saw me kicking ass and taking the names in the trenches of Corporate America, busting my Coachella hymen and loving every minute of it, celebrating my second sweet 16th birthday here at home over the course of a couple weeks with the greatest friends anyone could ask for, spending 3 weeks in Holland, Belgium, Germany and Scotland, performing at the world's largest Fringe Festival, falling head over heels in love with a British bloke and consequently negotiating the maze of heartbreak, longing, defeat and hope, being promoted to Assistant Director of Zion Dance Company, choreographing/writing/directing my own pieces, applying yet again for the Amy Lowell fellowship, entering the world of Vlogging, and finding out ZDC would be returning to the UK in May for the Brighton Fringe Festival where MY work will premiere! 
      In addition to being proud of my life, I am in love with all the love in it. It astounds me daily thus humbling me and at times making me feel quite guilty. I can't imagine that I could possibly deserve all the love bestowed upon me constantly, and yet there it is...constantly. 
So yes, if my life were to end in the next 5 days I would be quite content with its story. 
     I realize I sound all sunshine and roses, puppy dogs and rainbows, but even with those things I could have done differently they would have changed everything else can I really say I regret them?  In the interest of honesty though, there are times I wish I'd:

  • pursued dance all the way along and not taken those 8 years off
  • finished college and gotten some kind of B.S (pun intended), 
  • not stayed so long in a relationship I knew was damaging to me, 
  • not stayed long enough in others.... 
and I wish I'd jumped a flight to fight for something in which I believe so strongly. That is probably my biggest and only regret I am ashamed to confess...but the wisdom of age and life experience has taught me when to check my impulses.
Overall though I'm still totally winning if I do say so.

    I invite you all to an Amockalypse, a time to take an inventory of your life... because we are at the end of the calendar year...whether its the Mayan one or not remains to be seen ;-) Even if the world doesn't end and there isn't a Zombie Apocalypse I do believe its probable we are entering a significant new age. Not for nothing, but 12/12/12 was the last time we would see 3 numbers align like that, at least in our lifetime....not to mention the power behind the new moon that was on the 13th as well as the upcoming full moon on the 28th. (If you're curious, look up either your horoscope via Susan Miller: or read about them on Mystic Mamma:

     Hopefully you look upon your inventory with a smile or at least see more items in the 'winning' column. Hopefully you have been pushing the envelope of living and loving, and have little to no unfinished business. If you don't, then what can you do in the next 5 or 16 days? Maybe you confess your true feelings for someone, maybe you apologize, maybe you say goodbye, maybe you do jump on a plane, pick up the phone, write someone an email, or maybe it's a letter to yourself forgiving yourself for anything you're not proud of. What is it about the holidays that makes it easier to tell the truth than any other time in the year? I am reminded of the movie Love, Actually in that respect. Maybe you create a new plan for writing the next chapter in your life. I know for me, my quote-unquote 5 year plan just got bumped up to a 1-2 year plan...part and parcel why I've been so hunkered down and hibernating at home recently. I will resurface eventually everyone , I promise. :-)

    You will not be surprised then to hear that I will be spending next Friday evening, the doomed 21st, celebrating the Winter Solstice and my own personal Amockalypse with a fire and corresponding ceremony at Dockweiler....given that Zoe and I have not been catapulted to Mars, burnt to a crisp or buried under the rubble of my apartment. 

I wish you all Gawd-speed and Good Luck over the next week..... and the happiest of Holidays!! 

(The End's Not Near; Band of Horses)



Monday, December 3, 2012

Soul Mates?... Yay or Nay

      When I wake up, I usually lay in bed for 10-20 minutes recalling any dreams, checking email, texts, and yes, my Facebook Newsfeed. I check the FB feed because more often than not one of my favorite pages (Paulo Coelho, Steven Farmer, Elizabeth Gilbert, etc) has posted something profound to start my day with a smile.
This morning my inspiration came from one Elizabeth Gilbert (author of Eat, Pray, Love = my bible), of course!
Actually, the quote itself is from ‘Richard from Texas’, whom she meets while at the ashram in India. I went in search of the full quote later because I remembering agreeing and disagreeing with parts of it. But let’s start here with what was posted this morning;

“People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants. But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that is holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life. 

By this definition alone, I realized I have had the privilege of several soul mates so far in this life…. and so have you… that is if you’ve been paying attention ;-) 

And now, the rest of Richard’s opinion;

A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake. But to live with a soul mate forever? Nah. Too painful. Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then leave.

A soul mates purpose is to shake you up, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light can get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you have to transform your life….”

    And NOW, my two cents. I think first and foremost your life is graced with several soul mates, like I said if you are paying attention. Everyone around you, you have attracted into your life for different reasons. (I even believe we choose the families we are born into, but that’s a whole other conversation.) Their one common denominator though is that they are each holding up a mirror for you…. “to bring you to your own attention” if you choose to look. Every day and every person is a chance to go inward and make a change. 

    Sometimes the process is gentle and loving and they stick with you for life, other times it is hurricane violent and fleeting like Richard suggests. And quite often it is not equal or at the same time… sometimes YOU are the one serving as someone’s soul mate: lovingly holding the mirror  or tearing through their heart and life like a banshee. It is not all about us. It is just as important to recognize when it is our turn to ‘up-level’ someone as it is to allow ourselves to be up-leveled. I am lucky enough to be surrounded by a small, core group of soul mates where we are holding a mirror in one hand while holding hands with the other. Here is where capitalization is key, because these people are Soul Mates, and my heart grows bigger each day because of them.

     So now you may be wondering what my stance is on the idea of a REAL soul mate. A SOUL MATE, if you will. It seems like by assigning the title to so many in my life that I am down-playing it’s connotation. Like I said, capitalization is key. :-)
     Do I believe that you can be happy with many people? Yes. So then do I believe there everyone actually does have a SOUL MATE? …. Yes. But whether we end up with them in this life is less certain…. again, another conversation for another day. I believe the Universe does a lot for us, but if we never leave the house it will never put said person on our doorstep. If you live a life in fear; afraid of taking chances, afraid of getting hurt, afraid of being alone, afraid of all the innumerable ‘What if’s’ then how can you possibly expect love and magic to find you. Even if you know something is not going to work out or last ‘forever’ you are shooting yourself in the foot from not enjoying the ride while it lasts… You gotta go for broke.… this from the mouth of a Wild Card
Living this way makes you a WHOLE person. You become complete within yourself…. You fall in love with yourself, and you damn well should because I don’t believe that anyone COMPLETES you… that’s all on YOU mon frere! But I do think everyone has this extra puzzle piece that fits just one person. Hmmm, how better to explain this??? …. OK! So, let’s say we’re each a puzzle of the U.S map. The mainland is complete, so then Hawaii is your SOUL MATE piece (since Alaska is attached to Canada and I’m already kinda reaching here, hahaha) It’s a bonus state :-)  … 
Let me say it again, you are complete without it... it is a BONUS state......and it is a bit like paradise… I mean have you ever been to Hawaii?? It doesn't suck! Of course it's still not perfect, but it is perfect for you.  You speak the same language. Alot of people can learn your language, but only one other person actually speaks it too.
(I think I have officially seen too many Rom-Coms and watched Pride & Prejudice waaaay too many times) 

Look, the wisest man admits he knows nothing, and I’ll be the first one to say I don’t know jackshit about anything… 
but I do have opinions ;-) 
And that concludes my lesson on "soul mates", kids.