Yesterday, I completed the last of the BIG things on my never-ending story of a list. I closed my * COUGH * Bank of Evil…Oh sorry, I mean Bank of America account and got the USDA to sign off on Zoe’s international health certificate. Weeee hoooo! NOW I’m excited. Shit just got real.
I went to a friend’s spinning class last night because she’s unable to come to my ‘So long, Farewell, auf Wiedersehen....Cheerio!’ blow-out. As we were saying goodbye I got very choked up and had to cut it short so as not to lose it completely. It’s only been my second taste of emotion and sadness. I still had so much left to do that my drive and focus kept any other tearful good-byes safely at bay. The first breakdown came when I had to say good-bye to my work husband…I’ve referred to him in the past as Manchester. I flat out blubbered like a child…in front of him as well as for 20minutes in the car after he left. I spent more time with him than ANYone else in my life for the past 2 years. We even worked together for a year prior to that, but less intensely. That’s powerful. It’s fascinating how even in a work environment the kind of intimacy you develop. I could waste a lot of time talking about our relationship, but the bottom line is that he’s amazing and our relationship means the world to me.
Anywho, now that the list is complete and the time is here I fear more of these kinds of episodes where basically….I cry like a bitch. Soooo everyone get ready. This party could be reeeaaaallllyyy interesting. Doorbell rings, friends walk in, I burst into tears. Good times!
I’ve tried to allow for reflection time as I’ve been plotting along but like I said, that damn list! Thankfully though, it has been the levy holding back the flood, allowing me to get shit done. But now I can really let it soak in… and let it all flow out. I walked into my apartment last night and was completely overcome with affection and gratitude to my tiny little cave. I’ve been there since October of 2010. That apartment saved my life. I was desperate to get out of a less than desirable living situation and broken relationship, and I wasn’t on Westside Rentals for more than a few days when it appeared to me. The troops rallied to get me the fuck out and tuck me into my new home in a matter of hours, AND with a glass of champagne to celebrate. It helped that the place came furnished as I only had a bed, desk, and wardrobe to my name. My healing began that very day. As tiny as it might be, it has been one of my favorite homes. It felt like a big hug every time I walked through the door. The neighborhood is quiet and kind. My landlords were always gracious enough to let me travel weeks and months at a time with various friends (complete strangers to them) coming and going.
And there is L.A itself….. Lows Ahn-hay-lees, my hometown of the last 12-13 years. I am native at this point. This city has given me the cold shoulder, beaten me down, embraced me, taunted me, pushed me, pulled me, and ultimately forced me to become the person I was always meant to be. I fuckin love this town. Yes, even with the ridiculous traffic, insane cost of living, overabundance of hipsters and other categorical elitists. Every moment, joyful and excruciating, of my time here has prepared me for this next adventure.
I am reminded of the quote, “Someday everything will make perfect sense. So, for now, laugh at the confusion, smile through the tears and keep reminding yourself that everything happens for a reason.” It is often times flat out impossible to laugh or smile while in the grip of despair, heartache, confusion, etc…. I know I certainly haven’t been able to. But I can attest to the fact, with 100% certainty, that one day it will ALL make perfect sense. And even though I paid a high price for certain lessons and wouldn’t necessarily want to live through everything again, it was all worth it because I am an unstoppable force.
I know who I am, and I don’t need to apologize for it. I know what I want, what I will allow and what I absolutely won’t. I am very clear now about the people with whom I want to be surrounded. I’ve learned an open heart, while vulnerable, has the strongest beat. ‘Why not?’ is an appropriate response to most questions asked with a quizzical brow.
There are hearts everywhere, and they will guide you onward and upward if you let them.
And when something is meant to be (like this move) EVERYTHING just falls into place, easily and relatively effortlessly. My visa was approved in 4 days, the things I'm moving clocked in at 230lbs LESS than estimated, and I'm gonna get $160 back from my BoA MasterCard and on and on and on.....I even found £34 in one of my purses!
And so it is....with £34, an Oyster card for the Tube in London, a Brighton bus card, my cat, and all the love in my heart I will be doing a happy dance all the way to the airport this weekend. This will be my last entry stateside (ok, apart from the times I come back to visit). I hope you’re all as excited to read my ‘This Ameri-Brit Life’ posts as I am to write them. If someone had told me as a teen that THIS would be my life, I never would’ve believed them….Someone pinch me puh-lease! This fucking rules!!!!
*TomGong: Baaaabbbbeeeee, I will see you soon! No more Virtual Insanity ;-) XO
L.A peeps, I will see you at the partaaaay at week's end, hhheeeyyyy!
Love, Hugs and other ‘Drugs’