Wednesday, February 13, 2013

Love Actually

It's Valentine's Day. Whatever the fuck that really means, 
but let's work with it and talk some heart.

       Its official, I am surrounded by the most amazing people on the planet. The most amazing people that more often than not have me believing I am the most loved person on the planet. I hope I give you back at least half of the love you give me! .... Wait, I need to rephrase that because I don't mean 'Im so great, everyone that meets me loves me.' I'm definitely not everyone's cup of tea. Ha! Instead I feel like the most BLESSED person on the planet because my life is .... here comes the cheese..... wait for it...... an ocean of love. Good gawd! Did I just say that? I did. That happened. But it really feels like the best analogy, so just bear with me. ....Even as the waves roll out, my feet just sink deeper into the sand planting and preparing me to receive more. I came home from work to an amazing Valentine surprise from one of my best friends, T. It was so thoughtful and honoring of who I am and how he sees me that it was hard to take it in at first. Once I did though, my heart felt so full and I felt so energized that I had no choice but to go to a dance class! T, thank you for believing in me like you do! 

        It got me to thinking about why I'm gifted with this kind of ooey gooey fabulousness almost daily.... Why now in my life? Why me at all? ..... Because, baby's come a looooong way! AND because an infinite amount of love is available to everyone. Its just waiting for you to answer the door. BUT, the saying 'you can't truly love someone until you love yourself' is painfully true. I also believe that not only can you not give love , but you cannot truly RECEIVE love till you love yourself. That answers the 'why now in my life?' question. It took me 31 years but I finally fell in love with myself. I fell in 'like' with myself as I began planning my Eat, Pray Love trip in 2011. I became smitten as I boarded that first plane. That made it easier to honor myself and leave the hawrible experience at the first Italian farm. If I really think about it though, it was in Rome when I absolutely fell head over heels in love with the woman I'd become. I'd spent a weekend in Trastevere with a friend and then settled into my new neighborhood of Vatican City alone. It was my second or third day wandering the city, I didnt even need my map..... which is amazing because it was in those first few days that I finally learned how to even read one. I'm so not joking, sad I know. I was wearing my favorite long tie dyed skirt and walking the streets of Rome like I owned them. I mentioned this at the time but I felt my feet ground into the earth in a way they never had before. It was almost like I was finally IN my body and not hovering 6" outside of it. I was comfortable and confident. I felt strong and powerful, but soft and vulnerable. I was living my dream. I felt beautiful. And voila! I was in love. I remember making mention of several people stopping to take notice of me and/or ask me directions.... in Italian. I made a joke at the time that they must have just been disconcerted by the tie dyed, tattooed, crunchy granola hippie wandering their fine streets. Maybe that was still true for some, but I realize now they were mirroring back how I was feeling on the inside. The lovefest snow-balled from there and hasn't slowed since.

     I was recently accused of being self-absorbed and ego-centric because of this very blog and Facebook. This 'friend' even chose to sever our relationship. I initially felt guilty and a little ashamed. I did make some FB adjustments, but the more I thought about it I realized I've worked damn hard to get to this place of self-acceptance and love and I shouldnt have to apologize for that. I used to not even really be able to look at myself in the mirror or when I did I saw 100 things I wanted to change. I was the High Priestess of Self Deprecation. Now I can receive a compliment and often times agree (on the inside). I see myself in the mirror now, and while I still curse the unfortunate genetics of the grey hairs that first appeared when I was 24, I smile and think 'Not too shabby.' ;-) Maybe I do have a 'healthier' or heartier relationship with myself than is preferable to some, but that is the Leo in me that also makes me a performer. Look, falling in love with yourself doesn't mean you think you are without flaws. I am well aware of my 'areas that need improvement'. I am constantly in self evaluation and I embrace that I am a work in progress..... Its just that now I can see that the work is a beautiful piece of art at each and every stage. The Clarity that I spoke about in my last post comes much easier and quicker once the Love part is in place. So how does one fall in love with oneself save traipsing around the world like I did? Push yourself. Step outside your comfort zone. Take the risk. Leap. However that looks for you......... When you don't let Fear control you, Love comes rushing in like a bullet.
I was rewriting my bio for Zion Dance Company and was struggling a bit with what to say and a friend (T, in fact) basically summed me up as a boisterous lovegasm who makes no apologies. Yep, seems about right. I'll take it!

     The other thought I want to leave you with is about my recently acquired hobby of heart-ography shall we say? Or the 'Where's Waldo' of hearts? If you're not on Facebook, let me explain. Back in July and August when ZDC was traveling to Edinburgh I began seeing hearts EVERYWHERE! It started as soon as we landed in Amsterdam. It became quite comical actually. Every time I lagged behind, Rina and Kevin knew it was probably because of a heart. I believe those hearts were preparing me/leading me to 'Brighton'. *sigh. Anywho, since then I have honed my heart vision and still see them all around me. I have also inspired a few other people to start noticing them in their everyday. Once you open yourself up to see that first one, you will see that "Love, actually, is all around." See for yourself:

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!

Sunday, February 10, 2013

I'll have the New Moon with the New Year and Clarity on the side

     Yes it has been awhile my lovelies. Well...  Happy belated New Year and Happy  Chinese New Year! Let us warmly welcome the Year of the Water Snake which is officially ushered in today along with the New Moon. It's the first time we've seen this element and animal together in 60 years, rather significant don't ya think? 

      There truly does seem to be a real gravity to this year. The next 12 months feel pregnant with possibility, equal parts beginnings and we should be prepared for anything! I realize that is true not only of every year but of every day, but 2013 just has a different texture to it. It is a year of being at a crossroads and/or finally deciding which path to take. I see this everywhere, and is especially true of many of my friends. I know 2 people that are very much at that fork in the road, they have been for awhile, but life is now forcing them to get clear and start walking. I've got another packing up his life in Ohio to move here to L.A with not much more than the wisdom to see a chance for growth and the courage to shed that old skin. I know yet another who knows exactly what she wants and is struggling to compromise her 7 year plan/xcel spreadsheet with the little matter of simply trusting the Universe.  Even my Luff is embracing her truth and power thus fueling her to actively pursue a long held dream. Now maybe not everything comes to fruition in this year. Maybe it's more about the action of decision for some. Either way, once you decide and set out you will be rewarded. For me, I picked my path back in August. I began to say "and haven't looked back once" but I have looked back, not out of question but only to see how far I've already come. My time in Edinburgh was a major turning point or rather tipping point in my life in several ways. One example was the undeniable realization that my artistic expression needed to change. It was no longer enough just to dance. Initially, I assumed that just meant that my life as a dancer was probably coming to a close. Instead, I voiced my frustration and was thusly rewarded with an opportunity and a new title. For those who don't know Rina promoted me to Assistant Director of the recently renamed Zion Dance Company. I have been given the space to create my own work and play in this new artistic expression.
With each step, this kind of clarity further crystallizes building a beautiful map that I almost don't even need because I instinctively know I'm moving in the right direction.  It has also given me a special kind of laser beamed focus and agility. I'm busier than I've ever been, but it's good. I'm finding a way to juggle it all and make it work. I may be hibernating more than my friends might like, but that's what keeps me sane and clear.

       I know I've said it before, several times, but it never gets old; "When you want something, all the universe conspires in helping you achieve it." -Paulo Coelho
I absolutely believe this, but in my experience that statement needs a little tweaking. You can want alot of things, but you may not have the necessary clarity to match that desire. It's not enough to merely want something. You must know be clear, specific and prepared to make some hard decisions to stay that course. You must also be flexible for that course to change. The Universe will still get you to where you need to be, but the way might look different than you thought. It might not match that xcel spreadsheet. Like I said in planning for my Eat, Pray, Love trip in 2011, I am someone who needs to have a plan going in so I can more easily throw it out the window once the journey begins.
Clarity is a powerful force. When you are able to stand in your truth, often times at the precipice of the unknown and willingly jump into that abyss, everything just begins falling into place with such a graceful ease.

     I've been working on this blog for weeks. I had probably five different drafts of this thing. I realize now that I wasn't happy with it because it was all over the map, I wasn't being clear. I was touching on too many topics. I do have lots of fun and exciting news to share, examples of the Universe working on my behalf and things falling easily into place but I will save those for future posts.

    I know I get a lot of eye-rolls for my hippie gobbledigook, but I challenge you to try and deny the power of this New Moon (which always denotes new beginnings).  It's coupled with another New Year, an animal known for transformation, and an element most associated with the unconscious. 
Come on!!